No quote or anything. I kind of stopped posting a while ago, but I decided to start again. I don't know, it's not like anyone read this. But anyways, I wrote a thing. (: Writing is good. I can't actually post my real stories, because "the person" (the person I'm in love with) might find this blog and read it and then I'd be in trouble. Anyways, here's a non-personal thing I wrote:

It’s finally time. Time for me to become a woman at last! No, not like that, jeez I’m not perverted.
I wouldn’t write a story about THAT. Ew. Anyways, It’s finally time for the ceremony.
The computer would choose my Mate, and I’ll be happy for the rest of my life.
Mind you, I have lots of mates but this is my Mate. The person I’ll be with for eternity, who’ll love me
forever, and we’ll have a perfect life and produce many healthy offspring for the community.
I so cannot wait to meet him! On my way to the ceremony I pass my friend Shayla on her
AirBike She sticks her tongue out at me and I wave as she speeds by. I’ve always been jealous of
Shayla and her wicked vehicles she has. Her dad has the neatest job at our AirRide factory and he
gets all the new products for Shayla to test. I see everyone zooming by me on their AirRides and I
do feel a little disgruntled. I wish mum could afford to get me one.

As I reach the steps of the community center my heart flutters and I forget all about stupid
AirRide products and concentrate on the dozens of boys and girls milling around the lobby.
Who could it be? I stare at blondes, brunettes, boys with glasses, boys with freckles, pretty much
every boy in there gets at least a glance from me. My eyes settle on one boy, in particular, a tall
muscular fellow with sandy blonde hair. I side eye his chest. He IS good looking.
I try to get him to notice me, but no such luck. His eyes are closed like he’s watching a show or
something on his Mind TV. Probably thinks he’s too cool to be here.

I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn around.

“Hey, girlfriend!” It’s Shayla. “Found anything good yet?” She winks and I blush.

“We-ell…” I point to the blonde boy and she nods her approval.

“That is one fit dude,” she says. “Too bad you picked the best one.
I’ll have to scope out the rest of them.” She ruffles my hair and walks away to check out
more boys.

It’s almost time for the ceremony to start and I can’t wait. I look over at Shayla who’s trying to chat up
some buff guy with perfectly shaped stubble. She flirts shamelessly and I can tell he’s interested in the
way his hand rests on her hip. I wish I could be like Shayla, but it’d take the end of the world to see
me chat up a boy. I’ve never had a boyfriend (not that it’s allowed), and I’ve never flirted with or really
had a crush on a guy before. My stomach turns over when I hear a loud beeping sound and the
doors to the auditorium click open. It’s time.

The boys and girls file in on opposite sides to sit with their appropriate gender.
To be honest, it feels a bit unnecessary. As I walk, I look below me down through the glass floor
where people are swimming. There’s a glistening pool of shimmering iridescent water in the
basement if you can call it one. Basements are dark and slimy and this certainly isn’t.
After all, this is a community center, not a product factory or something dirty like that.
I watch a girl dive through 3 floating pools to get to the main one, fascinated at the curve of her body,
and how she manages to flip at the last minute before she hits the water.
There’s a nudge in my back and someone whispers

“Move!”

I stumble forward. I didn’t realize I’d stopped walking altogether. I get to my seat, number DX345.
Shayla waves at me from DB654 and I wave back. I’m so nervous, I can’t wait for my turn.
As I scan the men's section for the blonde boy the speaker's roar into life with the weird,
crusty ceremony music they play. It’s disgusting. It sounds like one of those bands with, what were
they called? Oh yeah, instruments from back in the day. Anyways, the music is awful.
After a minute or so, it dies down and the announcer begins to speak, welcoming us all to this special
day. I squirm in my seat. I have no idea how I’ll ever get through three hours of this. Since my surname
starts with T, I’ll have a while to wait.

I watch the first girl go up, they plug her name into the computer and it spits out a disk with her
Mate’s name on it. Boom. Everyone cheers and she sits back down.
I sigh and sink down farther in my chair. This is going to be a long wait. I won’t be able to handle
three hours of this. Silently, I slip out of my chair and practically slither down the aisle and
out of the door. Luckily, I remember the combination. Once I’m in the hallway I sink against the
wall and take deep breaths. I’m still so nervous. I close my eyes and see the Mind TV screen.
In a few seconds, my brain is lit up with my recent messages.
All congratulating me, or telling me how excited they are for the ceremony.
I open my eyes and they disappeared, replaced with an all too familiar face.

“What the?!?” I shoot up, startled. It’s the blonde boy from before.

“Hello?” He says. “Are you okay?”

I stand there with a bewildered look on my face.

“Err yes?” I reply slowly. He looks at me curiously.

“I just wanted to get out of the ceremony, y'know, get some fresh air. I’m so nervous.
I don’t even know if I’m ready for this…” He trails off. I look at him standing awkwardly in front of me,
and pat the ground next to me. He sits down and stares at his shoes, probably to avoid talking to me.
Time to master my fear of boys and say something.

“I’m Kate. What’s your name?” I manage to get out. Wow. I’m Kate. Great job Kate, nice and sexy.

“Casey.” He says. “I just- I wish we didn’t have to do this. I don’t want to be forced into a relationship.”
He says quietly. “I don’t want to be like everyone else.”

I look at him, shocked.

“What?! Why not!? This is the greatest thing that’ll ever happen to us! The computer will determine
our perfect future and we’ll live it! What’s not to like?” I breathe heavily, not understanding his problem.
He pauses, choosing his words carefully.

“Well.” He says. “Maybe the computer doesn’t know what to make of me.”
And then he kisses me. I have no idea what to make of this, but he IS hot and willing to kiss me.
I lean into his touch and then realize I’ve no idea how to kiss. This is my first kiss and I don’t know
what to do with my lips, tongue, or hands. He tastes like cinnamon gum and waits… something
I don’t know. Then it hits me. He’s one of those old-timers who still smoke cigarettes.
I’m surprised they’ve been around this long. He pulls me in closer and I just sort of sitting there with
my mouth open, but this. This is nice. I close my eyes and try to kiss back. After a while, he pulls away
and looks at me.

“Was that okay?” He says.

“Y-yeah. Yeah, it was.” But then I remember where I am, and what I’m supposed to be doing.
“Wait no! That wasn’t okay! What if we’re not mated? I can’t be in love with anyone but my Mate.”
I stand up. “I should go.”

He also stands up. I turn to go back into the auditorium, but he grabs my arm.
He’s not angry or sad, but confused?

“What do you mean?” He looks utterly baffled. “We-we can’t be matched…”

“Wait what do you mean?” I reply. A strange feeling is creeping up on me.

“We’re both… girls.” He says. I collapse onto the floor. No no no this can’t be real.
I did not just kiss a girl. It can’t be possible. I look up at him-her, I look up at her with scared eyes.
She pushes the hair out of her eyes.

“Uh yeah? Are you… Er… gay? Gay. That word hasn’t been used since.
Well, since forever. Maybe I am “gay.” Is that even possible?
Did the computer make me be “gay?” Am I a glitch in the system?
Maybe this is all my imagination and Casey just played a mean joke on me.

“B-but… Casey? That’s a boy’s name.” I manage to sputter out.

“It’s gender neutral, actually,” Casey replies, looking concerned.
“Look, are you alright? Did you think I was a bloke?” I blush crimson and nod. But I see it now.
Casey, a name for either gender. Casey with short hair, hair doesn’t define a gender.
Casey, with small enough breasts not to be noticeable. Wow. How could I have been so stupid?
I look at her again. She is really pretty with her dark green eyes and flyaway hair.
And the bad part is, I really enjoyed that kiss.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I thought you were like me. Society sure is screwed nowadays, huh?”
I nod again. And then an urge comes over me and I lean into her shoulder.

“You know, you’re really pretty.” she smiles at me, her eyes glistening with tears.

“Why are you crying?” I ask.

“Well, you see, I do really like you and er…” she looks dejectedly at her shoes.

“Today has been a pretty crazy day. But you know what? I kind of like you too.”
My nerves are just a bundle of emotions. I have no idea what to do or say, but I think I managed to
finally say the right thing. I don’t know if this is the right decision or if I’m just really stupid, but my heart
says I love a girl, and damn I guess I do. I bury my head in her shoulder and she relaxes the tension
that I could feel building up.

“You do realize that this’ll all fall apart, we’re disobeying the law, not to mention society and I
have no idea what we’ll do next?” she asks me hesitantly.

“Yeah pretty much.” I give a muffled reply. “But right now I love you and I’m having a pretty good time.”

“Me too,” she says. “Wanna get out of here? We could drive out of town. It’s only a couple hours to
the nearest Nature.”

“I’d love to.” I finally can put words in a sentence and it feels pretty natural.

We walk hand in hand out of the community center, and I have a thought.

“I bet our Mates sure are confused right about now.”

"Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts."
-Charles Dickens

Hey really too tired to post tonight. I love you all!
-Flaming

Instead of starting this with a quote, like usual, I have picked out a selection of quotes that I like. They're not happy, but then again neither am I. Here goes...

"Easiest way to die?

Loving someone who doesn’t love you back.

You’ll die everyday."

-Anonymous

"You’ve never felt pain until you’ve felt love."

-Anonymous

"I’m thinking about you while you’re thinking about her. This kills me more than I thought it would."

-Anonymous

"It seems to me, love could be labeled poison and we’d drink it anyways."

-Atticus

"Love is the burning point of life, and since all life is sorrowful, so is love. The stronger the love, the more the pain. Love itself is pain, you might say -the pain of being truly alive."

-Joseph Campbell

"There is that awful moment when you realize that you're falling in love. That should be the most joyful moment, and actually it's not. It's always a moment that's full of fear because you know, as night follows day, the joy is going to rapidly be followed by some pain or other. All the angst of a relationship."

-Hellen Mirren

The pain of love is the pain of being alive. It is a perpetual wound.

-Maureen Duffy

Yes, I know. I'm not in a very good mood today. I just... It's so lonely to be lonely. Farewell. You are loved. By someone. Ack sorry I'm bitter.

-Flaming

"I love everything about you, except the fact that you're not mine"
-Unknown
   

Hey, sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was on a road trip with my dad, and we didn't get home until late at night. Which brings me to another point; driving at night. It's honestly so beautiful to see the city at night, especially in a big city like Portland. All the little people are dark, and the city as a whole is bright and busy. All the lights blur together and it's a beautiful glowing landscape. But the thing that really gets me is that it keeps going. Even at night, even at two am the city is always alive. It never stops and it's like a living breathing organism. I know it's like that in the day also, but at night it's just spectacular.
     I also have two thoughts today to make up for yesterday. The second is about love. I know that love doesn't matter and it's just nature's way of tricking people into reproducing. (Urban Dictionary) But it feels very real now. Extremely real. Like a giant gaping hole in your chest that won't go away. I just want to be rid of this pain and live normally again. It's really hard. Especially when nothing will ever happen...  Anyways. I have to go to bed. I love you all! Goodnight.

"Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to the loneliness."
- Maya Angelou

     Hello all. It is Friday night and I am feeling extremely lonely. Judging by the fact I used to be a people person, it can be very hard to cope with the lack of people in my life. I guess that's why I have so much time for this blog. I really miss the old me sometimes. I wish I could do other things than sit in my room and be lonely. I wish a lot of things actually... I wish I was pretty, I wish someone had a crush on me, I wish I wasn't so sad all the time, I wish my life meant something, I wish someone could make the effort to understand me. None of those things will happen, unfortunately, but I can live with it. It's what we humans do. Keep trudging on, even when life is pushing you back. It's our whole species, really. Which is good because otherwise we'd have no instinct to survive.
     Sometimes I just kind of feel like time has stopped, however. When you're sitting in the darkness of your room and typing by the light of some Christmas lights on your ceiling time ceases to exist and there's only you and the keyboard. It's a good feeling, but it doesn't last long.

-Flaming

"I say sorry a lot. Mostly because I feel like everything's my fault."
-Anonymous

I can't deal with the rush of emotions flowing to my brain. There's either too much or too little. Maybe that's where flaming panic came from. The flaming panic I feel sometimes for no reason. But I'm ok. We're all ok, really, in the grand scheme of things. Which is comforting but sad because it means we won't matter. But it's comforting to know that even if I did something wrong, a million other wrong things happened at the same time and none of them matter. So that's good. Well, goodnight. You are all loved.

-Flaming

Hi. Thanks for reading. It means a lot.
-Flaming